It is now mid-October and as I write this I'm amazed and somewhat mystified at the fact that it has once again taken me so long to post on my blog. Since college, writing has always been quite a chore for me. Various factors have contributed to this struggle, none more greater than the vice of perfectionism which is the constant striving to present myself as flawless and without error. For many, my beef with writing may seem silly and insignificant compared to the more difficult internal struggles that others face. In no way am I trying to draw undue attention to something so minuscule in hopes that people will sympathize with me. Instead my hope is to draw out that which fuels this constant unrest within my soul because sometimes things are never what they appear to be on the surface. Sometimes our wounds go much deeper than whats on the skin.
Recently, while traveling to Buffalo for a brief "vacationary" (gosh, is that even a word?) stint, I had the opportunity to listen to a dialogue between Rob Bell and Peter Rollins. For those who don't know, Rob Bell and Peter Rollins are two young, influential voices within a controversial, yet exciting movement known as the "Emerging Church." Although space and time prohibit me from going into biographical detail about their life and work, I will say that I was greatly impressed and moved by the thoughts of Peter Rollins. Most intriguing was the argument about our "false" selves. Rollins argues that people, in all societies, have this incredible tendency to create, sustain and live from a "false self." We tend to put out this image of ourselves that is not true of who we really are because it's almost as if we're afraid to be revealed and perhaps rejected for our imperfection and brokenness.
As I listened to Rollins' arguments, my mind drifted and I couldn't help but think of all the ways in which I've attempted to fortify, sustain and live from a "false self." Even now as I struggle to write, I wonder if I'm living from this "false self" that is trying its hardest to make sure that everything is perfect and pristine so that no flaws in my thinking or writing will be revealed. I know this may seem insignificant, but I think it reveals something deeper not just about me, but about all of us. The truth is we're afraid to be us. We're afraid to be who we truly are. If that's the case, maybe that's what makes the journey of faith so arduous. Because it's a journey that takes us to the core of who we are and who we were created to be.
Theologian and Pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said "When Christ calls a man, he bids him to come and die."
In answering the call of Christ, may we allow our false selves to die.
May we both discover and learn to be who we truly are.
And may we know that we are loved despite our brokenness.
