You would think that the arctic tundra that is Michigan would get some snow, wouldn't you? Come on lovely State of Michigan what's going on here? I know we live on the wrong side of the lake, but this is just horrible. Everything is green! As far as snowfall is concerned, the state of Tennessee is beating us. Are you kidding me? Good thing Gena and I are going back to Buffalo for Christmas. Buffalo knows a thing or two about snow. Like the 7 ft blast of winter we received a few years ago over the course of two days. That was some serious snow my friends. Buffalo is known for three things: Chicken Wings, Mighty Taco, and Snow. Not necessarily in that order, but you get the gist. Notice that I didn't even mention our sports teams. Please don't get me started on that rant.
It's been awhile since I last posted. In all honesty, there have been some personal things that have arisen which have somewhat deterred me from writing. In my last post, I talked about my longing for "Advent Winds." Winds that would refresh and bring life to a tired and complacent soul. Winds that would bring faith and send me deep into the mystery and wonder of Christmas. I must make you all aware that when I write, I write not for effect. I write to espouse and bring to light the deepest longings and desires of my heart in an effort to incorporate you on this journey of faith with me. I may say things that shock you. And I may reveal things that you simply never knew about me. But understand that I do it all in love. I do it as one who desperately wants to know and find rest in God. The God who became one of us to bring salvation and restoration to you and I and the entire world.
As the weather has shifted, so has my emotional/mental state. The days are growing shorter and shorter as we move closer toward the winter solstice. But along with the days growing increasingly darker, they have also become more dreary. Now I am aware that most people are affected by these shifts. Yet for me these shifts have tapped into a deeper darkness that resides within my being. A darkness that I struggle with on a consistent basis. A darkness that is difficult to pull myself from despite my prayers, pleadings and times of counsel with close friends.
This darkness is depression. As I write this, I'm at a loss in trying to explain it. For those who have not experienced it, I imagine it's difficult to understand. Some think it's one of those things that you can just flip a switch or think a different way and everything will be better. Nothing...Nothing could be further from the truth. Trust me, if I could flip a switch I would. If I could say the "right" prayer I would. But all I can do is acknowledge it for what it is and recognize that I am not in control. And most difficult of all, I have to recognize that God, the God I believe is full of grace, truth and love, has allowed this into my life so that I may grow in my dependence upon Him.
The past few weeks have been incredibly difficult. My mind and heart have raced trying to pull myself from this fog. Thoughts of feeling like a failure in various arenas of my life have flooded my being time and time again. The people I love the most I push away because I don't want them to see me like this. It's difficult to admit such heavy brokenness, especially when you lead people to the God you believe heals and brings hope to the broken. It's been excruciating and humbling to get to a place where I admit that I'm not in control. I broke last Thursday and wept in the presence of a dear friend. It's been along time coming. I haven't cried like that in awhile, but I believe it was the start of something new. Because I believe that resurrection is not just something that awaits us in the future. Resurrection is what Jesus is bringing here and now.
...This is the only hope I cling to.
Last Sunday, the children of our church performed "The Greatest Christmas Present Ever." I wasn't chomping at the bit to go, but it was something to do on a cold Sunday evening and so Gena and I decided to attend the festive occasion. As I watched the musical, I couldn't help but notice the way the children acted, sang, and danced. Surprisingly, I found myself being critical of them. There was so much happening. Children moving here. Children moving there. Children singing in tune. Children singing out of tune. Children leaving the stage when they weren't supposed to. Children not knowing what or where to go next. But then I thought they're kids, it's just who they are.
As I sat there in my pew with my wife, I couldn't help but think how proud God was of these kids despite the chaos and the craziness. I couldn't help but think how much God's love and grace covered these children despite their performance. I couldn't help but think that all this chaos and craziness in many ways represented my life, especially as of recent. And yet God as he loved and continues to love those children, loves me the same.
As the musical reached it's climax, a young, adorable little girl, who has probably said 7 total words to me the whole time I've been at this church, came out to sing. And in her cute, innocent voice she started singing "Happy Birthday Jesus." The words were "Happy Birthday Jesus. I'm so glad it's Christmas..... I love you." In this moment the "Kingdom of God" not only broke into the church, but into my being. God broke in despite the chaos and confusion that often resides within my soul. For a few moments, which seemed like an eternity, I felt like I was breathed into. I rediscovered hope despite the brokenness.
So may these words not just be a humble confession, but may they bring strength and hope to fellow journeyers.
May you know this Christmas that because of Resurrection there is always hope.
Resurrection always has the last word.
Great blog post my friend
ReplyDeleteMike, I like this one, as usual! We all go through seasons of change but they always give way to new ones, like Winter gives way to Spring. Many times we as Christians feel we have to put on "the front". I love your brutal honesty. It sure seems to me that you have some writing skills too! The most annoying advice anyone ever game me comes to mind, so I will now share it with you- What you Focus on You will Find! No, it wasn't Yoda but it sounds like something he'd say. Love ya Brother
ReplyDeleteEcclesiastes 3:11 (New International Version)
ReplyDelete"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Oh, Mike I feel compassion for you. Stay in the Word. We love you. Pat Demarest
I appreciate your honesty. About 2 weeks ago I also could feel myself starting to take the plunge (into depression, that is). It's been a few years since I have delt with depression. I hoped I would never feel that way again. I didn't want to tell anyone because like you said, it's not something that many people understand. It can be very frustrating when you want to feel a different way but just can't make yourself. Sometimes you want to cry but you can't. Then you want to feel annoyed by that and you can't. But now I believe God is boosting me out of it by, believe it or not, allowing some really crazy problems to enter my life. These issues are not easy, but I can see God working in them and in me, and that gives me hope. I didn't feel that hope a couple weeks ago (not to be confused with not KNOWING I had hope a couple weeks ago. I know I always have hope in Jesus). I'll say a prayer for you tonight.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, you do have some mad writing skills.
Hi Mike, I love your blog and your honesty. Deptression needs to be talked about. We feel bad for people who have cancer or diabetes or heart problems (don't we all have heart problems?) or any other "disease". But when it comes to emotions or other mental illnesses, we talk in hushed whispers as if we have commited a heinous crime. We should "snap out of it", "butch up", "get over it." Would to God if it were just that easy.
ReplyDeleteI have know about my depression for about 10 years. Before that, I thought that everyone felt like I did and they just hid it, like I did. Well, no more. I have been on medication and it has made all the difference. I am not ashamed of my illness and that God for creating people who know how to put different chemicals together to make medicine for depression.
I would never have asked for this and I wouldn't have picked it out of a list. But God is using it in my life to help others who struggle. I have become compassionate and empathetic towards other people who struggle with mental illness. It has also forced me out of my comfort area to reach out to my friends and family for encouragement, help, and prayer.
You will feel better soon. Just wait for the right medicine to do its thing and hang on to Jesus. You are exactly what you need to be in order for you to do what God has planned - even if you're not sure what that is yet.
I agree with the one who commented that mental illness is an ILLNESS and should be treated as such and not kept behind closed doors to be whispered about. Satan likes nothing better than to have things kept in the dark. You have taken a huge step into the light, my friend, by sharing in this blog!
ReplyDeleteMeds sometimes take a while to work out the right combo to balance all those neuro chemicals, but keep trying. And they can be expensive too, so try contacting the manufacturer for help if you need it. But just like the diabetic who NEEDS their insulin, you NEED your meds so please, for your sake and the sake of the people you love, keep taking them.
Isn't it amazing that God used a sweet little child and a simple song to speak into your darkness!?! He knew just what you needed at just that time. He will be faithful to send other fresh breezes along your way - you'll see!
While I have not experienced any deep or prolonged depression myself, I do have close family that has struggled with and some that still currently struggle with depression. They have told me that just knowing that they are not "the only one" who feels this way and that someone actually & sincerely cares about them (who will not judge them), helps tremendously. You have people, Mike, who DO care and are praying for you. Lean on them, let them minister to YOU.
Trust God in all this. And if you just can't, ask Him to supply you with His faith; ask Him to give you His strength when yours is weak; ask Him for His love when yours depleted. Cry when you need to, pray often and sing your praises LOUDLY!
We love you, Mike.