Welcome Home

"Mike, it's only when you learn to embrace yourself and your brokenness that you will find wholeness." This statement, a paradox to be sure, has been stirring in my mind ever since it was spoken by a dear friend and mentor just a few short weeks ago. Even as I write these words not only do I continue to wrestle with that profound truth, but I continue to struggle in making it a reality in my life. How does one embrace something that he has not viewed with high regard? How does one embrace himself when for so long he's learned to meticulously identify all of his flaws and shortcomings and mask them by constantly striving for perfection? Honestly, how does one embrace that which he slowly trained himself to dislike? Now keep in mind that multiple past and present factors have contributed to my current view of myself. I didn't wake up one day wanting to dislike myself nor do I purposely choose to do so. It has become a learned reality. And yet over the past few years, months and even days I get the distinct feeling that God is quietly calling and challenging me, through all the distractions, confusion, and angst, to embrace and accept myself as He embraces and accepts me for who I am. We sure do read alot about God's love and grace, but when it comes to embodying this reality I wonder how far short we often fall.

The other night I sat amongst a group of men sharing life and sharing struggles. I spoke of my utter reluctance to identify myself as one who is broken. What's ironic about this stubborn reluctance is that it sometimes feels like it isn't a conscious decision, it has simply become second nature. My friends brought forth great encouragment. One in particular challenged me to verbalize not just my identity, but my brokenness as well. He actually went ahead and did it for me, yet proceeded to say that even though I am broken, I'm not defined by it. I'm ultimately defined by what God has to say about me. After hearing such words, I wasn't sure how to process it all. I've heard this countless times before and yet I keep coming back frustrated because I fail to allow it to become a reality in my life. I've read countless books on God's love and grace. I've been enraptured by the Biblical story of redemption and rescue by a loving God, but it's almost as if the words fail to take root within my soul. It's almost as if I fail to let God speak for himself. I project my dislike and disdain for myself onto Him thinking that He feels the same. It seems that I've wandered from the voice of God and allowed my voice to speak louder about me than His own. Can I get a witness?

Jesus, the master storyteller, tells a parable about a son who disowns his father, goes off to a foreign country, squanders his inheritance and hits absolute rock bottom with no money and little food to eat. When the son reaches such a destitute position, he decides to humbly make his way back to his father to perhaps work as a hired hand. Keep in mind that in the 1st century Jewish world when a son asked for his inheritance before his father had died he was pretty much telling the patriarch of the family in no uncertain terms "I wish you were dead." For the youngest son to pull such a stunt and now with no other option but to crawl back to his father, most, in Jesus' audience, hearing such a story are probably thinking of the shame that will be heaped upon him by both his family and community. But in the story, as the youngest son makes it within view of his father's house, the father literally runs out to meet him, hug and kiss him. Now Jewish men didn't run and they certainly didn't run out of the house to greet a wayward son. Yet in Jesus' story the Father embraces his broken son, simply grateful of the fact that he is home.

As I reflect on Jesus' parable, I can't help but wonder if the problem wasn't so much the son just wanting to go party and live it up, the problem is that he lost focus of all that he had in his possession at the start. The younger son seems to have missed the fact that he had everything he had ever needed, especially the love and affirmation of His father. Which makes me wonder if I, like the younger son, have gone away looking for wholeness when it's been right in front of me all along? I wonder if I have kept myself from "going home" because such a journey would require my admitting that I am flawed, weary, and broken. The Christian Mystic Meistar Eckhart once said this "God is at home, it is we who have gone out for a walk." I believe God is calling me to embrace my brokenness, pick myself up, and make my way back home. The hope that I'm given is that God will be waiting for me to appear on the horizon so that He may run out to great me with open arms. The hope is that God will affirm and restore me as he whispers "Welcome Home!"

Falsehood

It is now mid-October and as I write this I'm amazed and somewhat mystified at the fact that it has once again taken me so long to post on my blog. Since college, writing has always been quite a chore for me. Various factors have contributed to this struggle, none more greater than the vice of perfectionism which is the constant striving to present myself as flawless and without error. For many, my beef with writing may seem silly and insignificant compared to the more difficult internal struggles that others face. In no way am I trying to draw undue attention to something so minuscule in hopes that people will sympathize with me. Instead my hope is to draw out that which fuels this constant unrest within my soul because sometimes things are never what they appear to be on the surface. Sometimes our wounds go much deeper than whats on the skin.

Recently, while traveling to Buffalo for a brief "vacationary" (gosh, is that even a word?) stint, I had the opportunity to listen to a dialogue between Rob Bell and Peter Rollins. For those who don't know, Rob Bell and Peter Rollins are two young, influential voices within a controversial, yet exciting movement known as the "Emerging Church." Although space and time prohibit me from going into biographical detail about their life and work, I will say that I was greatly impressed and moved by the thoughts of Peter Rollins. Most intriguing was the argument about our "false" selves. Rollins argues that people, in all societies, have this incredible tendency to create, sustain and live from a "false self." We tend to put out this image of ourselves that is not true of who we really are because it's almost as if we're afraid to be revealed and perhaps rejected for our imperfection and brokenness.

As I listened to Rollins' arguments, my mind drifted and I couldn't help but think of all the ways in which I've attempted to fortify, sustain and live from a "false self." Even now as I struggle to write, I wonder if I'm living from this "false self" that is trying its hardest to make sure that everything is perfect and pristine so that no flaws in my thinking or writing will be revealed. I know this may seem insignificant, but I think it reveals something deeper not just about me, but about all of us. The truth is we're afraid to be us. We're afraid to be who we truly are. If that's the case, maybe that's what makes the journey of faith so arduous. Because it's a journey that takes us to the core of who we are and who we were created to be.

Theologian and Pastor Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said "When Christ calls a man, he bids him to come and die."

In answering the call of Christ, may we allow our false selves to die.
May we both discover and learn to be who we truly are.
And may we know that we are loved despite our brokenness.

"Overdue Joy"

I know, I know...It's been way too long. It's been approximately six months and a few days since my last post. I'm not exactly sure how to explain my extended absence. In all honesty, lets just say that personally and ministerially things became quite difficult to the point where 'faith,' 'hope,' and 'joy' were seemingly hard to come by. I admittedly bring this forth not to launch a "Mike Voit Pity Party," but to allow you to fully enter into my journey of life and faith. As you are well aware, things are not all roses and peaches or lamb and tuna fish (thank you to the movie "Big Daddy" for that analogy). Life is difficult and I am not one of those people who chooses to sweep that reality under the rug. I refuse to pretend. I refuse to play happy, unfazed Christian. Instead my desire is to acknowledge that which is broken so that God may bring healing, hope, and comfort not just to myself, but to others who struggle as well. I believe the late Henri Nouwen, profound author and theologian, refers to this person as the "Wounded Healer."

So here I am, wounded, yet still standing. And today I can honestly say I have joy. It's been a long time. I told a dear friend this morning of my renewed sense of purpose and hope and to hear his response was like a breath of fresh air. He, like many others, has walked beside me through this journey. Struggling, wrestling, grieving, hoping. He has hoped when I felt hopeless. He has encouraged when I wanted to quit. And he has loved, when I felt like a disgrace. Yet he hasn't been the only one. I can't tell you the love, grace and persistence my wife has shown during this stretch. My wife, as always, has been a constant reminder of God's presence through this entire time. I give thanks not only for my wife and for my dear friend, but for the numerous people who truly acted and responded as God's church. In all of my angst and frustration with the church at times, you all give me hope that the church can be a beautiful agent of restoration and hope.

As I write this, I'm humbled by the response of so many in regards to this blog. Over the past few months and even days, I've heard from countless people about their anticipation of my next post. I never thought my writings and musings on life were all that special. I don't consider myself a great writer or expositor of life and faith. I feel very much like a little kid playing with crayons when it comes to speaking and writing about such things. For those who have made comments and for those who have encouraged me to keep writing (even if it hurts!), this blog post is for you. Know how much you and your encouragement is appreciated. You really have no idea how much it means to me. Thank you for believing. Thank you for hoping. Thank you for being who God has made and called you to be.

As I end this somewhat random and long overdue post, let me say this...

May we embrace life in all its facets in the hopes that God will be all that He says He is...faithful, loving, and present.