Welcome Home

"Mike, it's only when you learn to embrace yourself and your brokenness that you will find wholeness." This statement, a paradox to be sure, has been stirring in my mind ever since it was spoken by a dear friend and mentor just a few short weeks ago. Even as I write these words not only do I continue to wrestle with that profound truth, but I continue to struggle in making it a reality in my life. How does one embrace something that he has not viewed with high regard? How does one embrace himself when for so long he's learned to meticulously identify all of his flaws and shortcomings and mask them by constantly striving for perfection? Honestly, how does one embrace that which he slowly trained himself to dislike? Now keep in mind that multiple past and present factors have contributed to my current view of myself. I didn't wake up one day wanting to dislike myself nor do I purposely choose to do so. It has become a learned reality. And yet over the past few years, months and even days I get the distinct feeling that God is quietly calling and challenging me, through all the distractions, confusion, and angst, to embrace and accept myself as He embraces and accepts me for who I am. We sure do read alot about God's love and grace, but when it comes to embodying this reality I wonder how far short we often fall.

The other night I sat amongst a group of men sharing life and sharing struggles. I spoke of my utter reluctance to identify myself as one who is broken. What's ironic about this stubborn reluctance is that it sometimes feels like it isn't a conscious decision, it has simply become second nature. My friends brought forth great encouragment. One in particular challenged me to verbalize not just my identity, but my brokenness as well. He actually went ahead and did it for me, yet proceeded to say that even though I am broken, I'm not defined by it. I'm ultimately defined by what God has to say about me. After hearing such words, I wasn't sure how to process it all. I've heard this countless times before and yet I keep coming back frustrated because I fail to allow it to become a reality in my life. I've read countless books on God's love and grace. I've been enraptured by the Biblical story of redemption and rescue by a loving God, but it's almost as if the words fail to take root within my soul. It's almost as if I fail to let God speak for himself. I project my dislike and disdain for myself onto Him thinking that He feels the same. It seems that I've wandered from the voice of God and allowed my voice to speak louder about me than His own. Can I get a witness?

Jesus, the master storyteller, tells a parable about a son who disowns his father, goes off to a foreign country, squanders his inheritance and hits absolute rock bottom with no money and little food to eat. When the son reaches such a destitute position, he decides to humbly make his way back to his father to perhaps work as a hired hand. Keep in mind that in the 1st century Jewish world when a son asked for his inheritance before his father had died he was pretty much telling the patriarch of the family in no uncertain terms "I wish you were dead." For the youngest son to pull such a stunt and now with no other option but to crawl back to his father, most, in Jesus' audience, hearing such a story are probably thinking of the shame that will be heaped upon him by both his family and community. But in the story, as the youngest son makes it within view of his father's house, the father literally runs out to meet him, hug and kiss him. Now Jewish men didn't run and they certainly didn't run out of the house to greet a wayward son. Yet in Jesus' story the Father embraces his broken son, simply grateful of the fact that he is home.

As I reflect on Jesus' parable, I can't help but wonder if the problem wasn't so much the son just wanting to go party and live it up, the problem is that he lost focus of all that he had in his possession at the start. The younger son seems to have missed the fact that he had everything he had ever needed, especially the love and affirmation of His father. Which makes me wonder if I, like the younger son, have gone away looking for wholeness when it's been right in front of me all along? I wonder if I have kept myself from "going home" because such a journey would require my admitting that I am flawed, weary, and broken. The Christian Mystic Meistar Eckhart once said this "God is at home, it is we who have gone out for a walk." I believe God is calling me to embrace my brokenness, pick myself up, and make my way back home. The hope that I'm given is that God will be waiting for me to appear on the horizon so that He may run out to great me with open arms. The hope is that God will affirm and restore me as he whispers "Welcome Home!"